Nothing stands between me and my sweets. NOTHING.

I have a cracked tooth.

This is highly unfortunate, seeing as I would rather go to the gynaecologist three times one day, every day, than go to the dentist once in one day.

I know I've already bitched about my fear of the dentist before, but I feel like it's a subject that can be explored over and over again. Sort of like Britney Spears's life.

Reasons I don't like the dentist:

A) When I was five, I needed to have my tooth pulled and they used that laughing gas shit. I saw all five years of my life flash before my eyes in a psychadelic acid trip and woke up clawing through the glass wall that I thought they were trying to hide my mother behind. "MOM! THEY WERE TRYING TO HIDE YOU FROM ME!!!!" It was a very traumatic experience.

B) I wasn't taken to the dentist very often as a child, so when I did go, it was always like, "Oh hai. You have 13 cavities." And then we would have to stand barefoot on the streets and try to sell our cows and chickens so that we could pay off the massive dental bill my pretty little mouth accumulated.

C) When I was old enough to have my own dental insurance I needed a root canal, so, I paid for it myself, drove myself, did everything myself. However, the nice dentist I went to underestimated the pain I was under, and started to drill away while I was still able to feel. I saw stars, gurgled bloody murder, and almost passed out.

So, now I'm afraid that every time I go to the dentist it will be incredibly painful, and incredibly expensive. What does this add up to? Rotting teeth that will break in half.

I have an appointment tomorrow at 2:45 and GEE WHIZ I'm excited. I'm even more excited as I have a cold and am feeling like death.

It's an initial check up, but they know about the half-tooth I'm sporting, so I'm guessing they'll do the first stages of  a root canal (*shudder*) so that I can actually, you know, eat and stuff.

For those of you who have a cracked tooth, or teeth that could fall out of your head if you so much as think of candy apples, here are some things to not eat:

• Starbursts - the purple ones
• A Cadbury's Crunchie bar (no matter how slowly you chew it)
  
• Walkers Baked Crisps (cheese and onion flavor) (even if you try chewing on one side of your mouth)
  
• Chicago's 5 Cheese individual Pizzas
• Tesco's honey roasted peanuts and cashews

How do I know all this? Because these are things I've either tried to eat today and couldn't, or something in the past that has ripped off a bit of my teeth.

Pain? I can live through it, I've done it in the past. But when something, ANYTHING, gets in the way of me and eating whatever I want, that's it.

This mother-fucker of a tooth is going to get the SMACK DOWN.

(I say that all tough, but I'm really curled up in the fetal position moaning. Loudly.)

So, I read on this dentist's website that they help out phobic freaks like me:

Nervous patients can be offered a sedative medication, (Intravenous Sedation or IV) or ‘gas and air’ (Relative Analgesia). Both treatments leave you feeling relaxed and although you are still awake you are unconcerned by your surroundings and recovery time is quick.

Now, while I freaked out 17 years ago while using that crazy laughing gas, I will gladly use it again. The place I'm going to tomorrow doesn't have it, but they said after our initial appointment, they can always recommend me to their other locations where they give people the meds.

I plan on getting through tomorrow by taking 3-38 tablets of Valium, and by bringing my iPod. They better let me listen to my fucking iPod. It's mainly the sounds of the drills that bother me, so, if I make it clear to them that THEY BETTER FUCKING NUMB ME ENOUGH and BETTER FUCKING LET ME BLOCK OUT THE NOISE WITH SOME HEAD AUTOMATICA....I think everything will be okay.

I wonder if they'll let me bring in Sock Monkey for comfort.

Wish me luck. If I die, you guys can sort it out with Iain which of my possessions you'd like. I don't have much, but it's all yours. Dirty underwear and all.