Sasha, Dragon and the Mythical Character Mafia
I mentioned before that Iain and I were getting kicked out of our flat.
Basically, our landlord raised our rent by £200.
Um, sorry, do I have a book deal? Is Iain actually Tom from Myspace?
Fucking NO, landlord! No! <insert Amy Winehouse "Nooo Nooo NO!">
We can't afford it, so we're leaving. Which is actually good considering we live in a stroller infested borough where the Council Tax is out the ass and the cost of everything else is up the wazoo.
It's fracking expensive, just like our fracking flat However, the really awkward and shitty thing about all of this is that we feel like our landlord is sort of screwy.
First off, his name is Dragon. Yes. Dragon. Like the mythical flying character.
My first thought was,"Shit...That's frightening." And it is. It really is. To me, it sounds like a code-name. Like in Kill Bill. Which then leads me to wonder if he's friends with like Phoenix, Centaur, and their bodyguard LoMo. (Short for Loch Ness Monster)
Secondly, he's kind of weird. He has a very thick Eastern European accent and is just sort of jumpy. Kind of stand-offish.Like...like he has secrets. Like he doesn't really want to talk to you about your weekend or ask how you're doing because you might start asking him questions, even if it's just to be polite, you'll start asking him shit, and then he'd go all paranoid and while he knows deep in his heart you're just being polite, he wonders if you know something. He wonders if you asking how his kids are, if it's really just code for: "What is going on with the deal with Natasha, and where did you dump the body?" and then he might freak out and be forced to kill us.
So, we don't really talk.
If something is wrong, he'll come fix it.
And by "fix it" I mean he has Sasha come take care of it.
"Um, Dragon? The entry phone isn't working."
"Oh, okay. Yes. I'll have Electrician come take care of it."
Then he and the Electrician show up. And by Electrician, I mean his friend Sasha shows up with a tool box.
"Hi Dragon. Our boiler has stopped working. Like...we have no hot water. At all. And it's snowing outside."
"OH, I so sorry. I have Plumber come take a look at it right away."
And then Dragon shows up with the Plumber, and by Plumber of course I mean Sasha, with a tool box and an instruction manual for the boiler. Did I mention Sasha doesn't speak English?
"Dragon? Our bed is like...broken."
"Oh! I so sorry. I'll have-"
"-It's cool. We'll see you and Sasha The Bed Builder tomorrow."
So Dragon and Sasha "fixed our bed" not by buying a new one, but by bringing over two long steel rods that Dragon cut himself (probably with his freakishly sharp mythical teeth) and then proceeded to drill them into the frame of the bed.
(And I'm realizing while I'm writing this that I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE STILL LIVING HERE.)
Every problem, and trust us -there's been many- is solved simply with Dragon and Sasha and their tool box. But when I say "solved" I mean, they throw around some tools, bang on some pipes, ask for a screwdriver and a rag, cuss in Mysterious Eastern European Language, do a secret handshake, Sasha pees in our toilet without asking, and then Dragon will find us and go,
"I so sorry. Everything should be fine. If not. Call me. Sasha and I will come back."
Who needs proper construction workers or Electricians or Plumbers when you have SASHA.
However there are things that Sasha hasn't been able to solve..
Like the fact that our water pressure is so bad that a "shower" is just a warm, steady drool dripping out of the shower head. Sasha can't fix this because it requires Dragon to spend the money to buy us an electric pump for the shower, but he probably needs that money to help hide his Mafia friends in the country pay his bills.
I also just found out that when we moved into our apartment, it had just recently been completely refurbished...new kitchen, newly converted bedroom, ya know, the works. Well, I knew it had been refurbished, I just didn't know that SASHA, Dragon's Dad, and Dragon's brother were the ones to do all of the construction on the place.This would probably explain as to why everything appears to have been bought from Ikea, and why things that are "BRAND NEW!" are fucking breaking.
Our flat is also furnished, as we don't have any real furniture because I couldn't really fit what little furniture I had in my suitcase, and that we couldn't exactly go raid Habitat because I WAS UNEMPLOYED FOR 10 MONTHS.
I feel the best part of our decor, aside from the Magical Mint Green pastel paint color in the living room, and the Soft Lilac Breeze color in the bedroom, would be the exquisite grasshopper leg light fixture Dragon ever-so-kindly installed for us when we said, "Hey, it's kind of dark in here." and he replied, "Oh don't worry. I have lovely, perfect light fixture. It very nice. You'll like it."
But really! Aside from all of the frightening "DIY to the XTREME" stuff, and scary decor, our flat is nice. It is. We have an amazing view from both ends of the house, it's in a lovely Victorian building, with lots of room. This is why we stayed. It wasn't that bad for our situation at the time, and I got out all of my "But I want to live in the city!!" feelings, as I've found out walking home with your groceries really isn't that exciting. It actually sucks a big fat one.
So, we've obviously started looking for some place to live. The only curious thing is that we haven't heard from Dragon in 2 weeks. Now, if you were a landlord and you were waiting for your current tenants to leave so you could get the flat up on the market, and get the new tenants in, all within the next 10 days...you'd think you'd be around, wouldn't you?
You'd think you'd be making lots of phone calls to your tenants. Or perhaps even writing letters. Emails. The occasional telegram....
...But no. Nothing. We've heard zilch.
Now, we're probably just overreacting and are being completely judgemental and paranoid...
But we're maybe sort of afraid that he decided to leave the country with his Mythical Character Mafia and has taken our deposit to Amsterdam where they'll then snort our money off of the bodies of some very nice " 5 for the price of 3" Dutch hookers.
Or, maybe he's just busy.
Or maybe he'll just send Sasha round on the 30th of April to collect the keys and make sure we've gone so they can convert of Flat back to its original condition of being a office building/brothel.
We're really not sure....
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