You're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you

Gaping Vaginas of the world, greetings.

We haven't really talked in a while. 

I've documented you here in "The Vagina Blogs". 

And also here, here, and MY GOD! Take a real hard look at the first part of this little ditty.

I even wrote about you HERE, GV.

It's like we have our own little blog affair going on!

So, don't go gettin' all butt hurt when you read this.

I've got a big ass tag with your name on it,  STUPID GIRL...

We've had a long, troubled road, GV. You've had it comin'.

So wipe that innocent, shocked look off of your lycra, thong laden face and listen up.

Girls, get your shit together.

I'm not saying this to hurt your sensitive little heart, stomp on your soul, or tamper with your fragile ego...But really?

COME ON.

Now, look, "Gaping Vagina" isn't the greatest name for you, I know. It's not PC. And it automatically gives a negative connotation to the word "Vagina". However, I feel that you, in turn, are giving all the real women out there a bad name with your pathetic antics, so let's just revel in the irony, okay?

So, for those of who are not a GV, or are just to blind to see that you are, let me explain.

Gaping Vagina: (gae-PING vah-JI-nah) noun / plural - ji-NAZ / abbr: GV 

1. a person, usually a woman, who behaves in a manner comparable to that of a twat, and of an idiotic, bitchy nature. The term, in this definition, is reference to a "vagina of large size" implying that the GV behaves, also, in  the way a "slut" or "Hooker" would. The Gaping Vagina will stop at nothing to receive the pathetic amount of gratification it needs for it to feel satisfied. It will cheat, imitate, lie, and steal to reach a false sense of satisfaction and their overwhelming need to be adored. The GV pays not attention to those who do not present a direct benefit to their selfish wants and desires. 

2.a person, okay a woman, who has no real thoughts, ideas or opinions of her own. In this definition, the term Gaping Vagina implies that the woman is acting like "a pussy", slang for  "cowardly" and "without courage". The GV enjoys what everyone else likes, and is so scared of not being liked, that it cannot reveal its true self. The GV will follow, and mimic. Whatever works for everyone else, works for them, too. They are a blind follower, and GV1's biggest fan. 

Synonyms: twat, cunt, Paris Hilton 

Now, GV1, what the hell happened to a self respect?

You hide behind your "I'm just one of the boys" act.

Why can't you be more proud of the fact that not only are you a woman  but you're a smart woman.

I'm not just talking about the fucking morons on TV and in your US Weekly or HELLO!

I've been disgusted with this for a long time. I don't think it's just up to celebrities, and authors, and actresses to portray what a real woman should be.

WE, you and I, make up the REAL world. The world that we all have to play nice with each other in.

 I'm talking about the adult women in my life, in your life, and all across the fucking world who apparently that can't get their shit together.

They can't get their shit together to respect themselves, get their life in order, and be a good wife, sister, daughter, mother, or friend 

Not even a friend to them self.

I'm talking about GVs in the workplace, online, in your personal life, in your face, in your ears, and fucking with your head.

What the is wrong with you, GV?

Why are you so obsessed with competition, and acceptance, and attention? Why are you willing to do whatever it takes to get that sad gratification from someone giving you a pat on the back or inviting you out for drinks next Thursday.

You are exclusive, not inclusive. You have half hearted friendships that are only based on your pathetic need to keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.

You smile at everyone, but don't have the balls enough to snarl.

You must be liked. You must get invited everywhere. You can't miss anything, you need to know everything, and you need to know more, and be better, hotter, funnier, thinner, bustier, and smarter than EVERYONE.

Your friends. Your "best friend" (all 34 of them). Your family. Your coworkers. Your acquaintances.

If there is someone out there in your radar that is "competition" in your eyes the Green Lights go flashing and you zone in:

There's a fresh one. A live one

. Someone naive to your trickery and lies.

She must know that you are higher than her.

Or that you think she's so awesome.

You pose as a follower, or a leader, whichever works best with her. You smile. You giggle.

You have SO MUCH in common.

Best friends!

But the guys like her better. She's smarter than you are. 

And why is she so funny? Gawd. Why aren't YOU that funny? Why doesn't everyone laugh at YOU like THAT?

That bitch.

So you become more like her.

Not just friends with similarities. You take whatever she does, sex it up and dye it "envy emerald green", and pass it off as your own.

My god you try hard. And you're sneaky, not everyone sees.

You're like the female Gollum.  Except you drink Gin and Tonic instead of live, raw fish...

You've got a split personality so deranged you don't even know what your real name is anymore. 

(It's Sméagol! SHMEEGLE! SHHHMMEEEGGGLLLEEE!!!!!)

Your laugh becomes louder. Your shirt gets tighter and lower. Your skirts rise up while your dignity plunges.

Why are you suddenly sipping pink cosmos instead of your usual one olive martini? 

But you're just one of the guys, right? So we can't get mad at you if you hug our boyfriends just a little too close and a little too long because,

A) Oh my god, we're like brother and sister! Do you really think I LIKE your BOYFRIEND? EW!

B) That's just the way I am. I'm naturally flirty.

C) I'm so innocent and lovable. Everyone just loves me, so you better not say anything bad about me.

It's near fucking impossible to call a GV on their bullshit, and if you do she'll claim you're just "threatened" by her or she'll pull the "I'm Sensitive" card and make it seem like your the jealous bitch.

You're a smart one, GV. You're crafty.

But you could be so much smarter if you would just would put all of the energy you're spending manipulating and coning others, into yourself.

From the bible one of my absolute favorite books, Female Chauvinist Pigs by Ariel Levy, comes the quote,

"Why is it still the case that if we have a series about women on television, it has to be about their bodies and sexuality?"

Yes, sexuality and our bodies are a big part of who we are, but that is not all we are.

We all know this, right? Or were you sick the day they went over that in school?

Why is it that if women want to be popular or stand out, there are so many of us that will still mock society's rules and put breasts before brain? 

And why is it when so many women are losing, and their success and popularity is on the line, they panic and, ,

 "Um, ah, Um...God..Wow, I'm uh. So, erm...Geez. TITS! Me so horny! Look at me guys! I'm liberated and sexual! You like me! You liiiiiiike meeee!"

Don't have the wits or the energy to 'win' any other way?

Hey! Be slutty! It seems to work for everyone else!

But you're not being a stereotype or anything, oh no, because you're what Ariel Levy would call, "A 'loophole woman', an exception in a male-dominated field [or group] whose presence supposedly proves its penetrable."

You're sexy! You're putting you and your sexuality out there because "that's just how you are". You have guts! You're so crazy! Right?

In Susan Brownmiller's words,

"You think you're being brave, you think you're being sexy, you think you're transcending feminism. But that's bullshit."

And it is bullshit. And the women around you that you try so hard in every which way imaginable to "beat" and "use" and "be like" will look at you like how I LOOK AT YOU.

And that is with a disapproving, raised eye brow, as I take a sip of my double, Absolut Better-Than-You cocktail and think to myself, "What a god damn Gaping Vagina."

As will every single other woman, and hopefully, man in your life because it is too difficult to keep up all those lies and shows at once. You will burn your own bridges. They will from both ends and turn to ash.

I just hope by the time you are stranded on your own lonely island with nothing but a bunch of fishnets and "Lip Venom" left will you have finally figured out what your problem is?

Or will we have a new TV program called "GV and the Island" where you sit on your laptop and video blog about the trials and tribulations of masturbation and how horny you are all by yourself on that god damn island.

And as for the Gaping Vaginas in Definition #2 (GV2) ....

Stop being so fucking scared of everything! Stop being afraid people won't like you, or you'll make people mad.

GV, why must you just jump on the bandwagon and throw caution to the wind?

Don't you realize we can see how awkward and out of place you are, standing there in someone else's skin?

Why are you sweet as Splenda to all of these people, just for the sake of being liked?

 You know who you are deep down, so why have you become such a fucking sell out?

These are the girls in your life that live to be exactly like their heroes, and exactly the same as their friends,

"Oh my god, I love Victoria Beckham because she's so beautiful. Oh wait....you don't like her? OH, yeah she's such a slut. So anorexic. Wait, you like her book?  OH! Me, too! It's so awesome. I love her clothes."

It is because of the 2nd type of GV that the 1st kind is so prevalent.

GV2 worships GV1.

GV1 feeds off of her because OH MY GOD SHE ADORES ME. She gives me all the attention I need!

The GV1 doesn't mind being copied because it is OH so flattering! She has a precious follower who buys into her bullshit.   

GV2 thinks GV1 is wonderful not because of HOW she gains attention and adoration, but simply because she HAS attention and adoration.

They mimic and copy anyone and everyone that the masses appear to like, without using judgment. People like them, therefore they must be good, right? 

For example...

• Paris Hilton.

She cannot sing. She is not intelligent. She is NOT sexy. She is famous for her sex tape, being stupid, and for being rich.(Did I mention her wonky eye?)

Why do girls try to be like her, dress like her, and fuck like her?

Aren't we over this? Over her? Why do so many girls still like her?

• "How To Make Love Like A Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale" by Jenna Jameson

I find it hilarious that highly intelligent women out there, are reading and buying this book.

Do you realize you're reading an author who was simultaneously selling a best selling memoir, and a real life model of her "ass and vagina"  with complimentary bottle of lube at the same time?

 Inspiring? Impressive? Worthy of imitation and praise? Hardly.

• The "Girl With A One Track Mind" phenomenon.

This was actually the sex blog/book behind the "Vagina Blogs" post I linked to.

 Blunt sex talk. 

Where do you draw the line behind pornography and 'blunt sex talk'. You can be sexual. I'm sexual. I just don't really talk about my sex life. My choice. It's also your choice to talk about it. But I don't think you're talking about it because you want to. Or that's just "how you are". 

You're talking about it because you enjoy the hard-ons and wide-ons from your fellow GV friends and stupid followers get because of it.

I believe being sexy is the same as being funny.

It has to be subtle. It's an acquired taste. Not every technique or approach works for everyone all the time...but everyone is funny to somebody else out there.

When a joke is forced, obvious, and has to be explained, it's not funny.

When you have to constantly say, "See? Did you see what I did there? I'm mad I am!" that's not funny.

The same goes for sexiness.

And sexy isn't "So I was fucking this guy yesterday, god it was so fucking good. Oh my tits. Did I tell you about my tits?"

That's just stupid. That's the same kinda 'sexy; as porn: Hard. Cold. Emotionless.

Real 'sexy' is intimate. Passionate. Heat.

When a GV2 uses sex for attention, or tries to pass themselves off as being just "naturally sexual", it sounds and looks like a person with no rhythm attempting to do the tango. It doesn't fit. It's not natural, therefore, not sexy.  

Look, ladies.

Just because you are not willing to hop on the pathetic bandwagon that is the GV's way of life does not make you 'out of touch', or prudish.

Just like me calling out the GVs on their behavior doesn't make me jealous.

I LOL @ U!

I don't have a problem with anyone who flexes their freedom to CHOOSE and makes a CHOICE that I disagree with as long that it is based on honesty, truth, intelligence, and for them self!.

Be ORIGINAL.

Be HONEST.

You would not talk about your sex life, have your tits on display, or use overly sexual language if it didn't get you attention.

You would not befriend certain people if you didn't think their friendship, or associating yourself with their name, would get you somewhere higher than where you are.

Your vocabulary, choice of drink, choice of music, and persona alter, change and distort change simply depending on who is praising you with attention at the moment. 

STOP IT.

Not everything is a competition. 

Not everyone is out to get you.

Not every woman is jealous of you.

Just because not every woman likes you, isn't because they are jealous of the attention you are getting. It is not even because "girls just don't like other girls".

There are just some of us who work hard to be ourselves. We work and keep our eyes and tits focused and pointed on our own passions, goals, and our own lives.

You just have yours focused and pointed on everyone else, seeing if they're staring at yours. 

So, Miss.Gaping Vagina.

Stop faking it.

It's like, so much fuckin' hotter when it's, like, real and shit.