Confessions of an ex 'Psycho Girlfriend'

Alright. So I've been tagged by Idle, LeendaDLL & TheBitterLinguist...

 I'm more of a "hide & seek" girl, but I shall play a long this once.

Well, kind of. But only because this little "5 things" quiz plays right into the next post I had in the works, so we'll retitle it the:

"5 things or more you probably didn't know about me that I will indirectly explain in the following post".

I say that counts.

So, you may have noticed I write a lot about the stupid things that girls do.

**everyone rolls eyes and groans**

The stupidity of women/girls in relationships and in their general behavior makes me want to pull out my hair. It drives me fucking nuts.

 For fuck sake, I've pretty much based an entire blog on analysing and picking apart idiotic behavior.

I'm not just a judgemental wench that thinks she knows everything because she has a Psychology degree.

(Because I don't. I ain't got no proper skoolin'.)

And I don't think I'm a relationship expert or "know men" because I own all the seasons of Sex and the City have read He's Just Not That Into You, or am married.

I don't just observe these behaviors and let them get me all up in a tizzy because I just "don't understand" them.

It goes back to the whole childish "takes one to know one" comeback.

Idiotic, self destructive, blind, foolish, naive female behavior, urks me to my very core because I used to be the dumbest smart girl in the world.

Okay, maybe not the world, but certainly in my apartment complex.

I used to be a cell phone checking, Myspace hacking, paranoid, jealous, insecure, naive, blinded by "love" TWAT.

Or, very much like some of you out there, I assume.

Look, I know why you're making excuses for your boyfriend. Why you're unhappy. Why you feel that way. Why you're always fighting. Why you pretend. Why you lie. Why you want to stay with him. Why you check his phone. Why you check his Myspace. I understand why you hate it when his Ex calls. I understand even MORE why you pretend it's not that big of a deal. I understand why you beat yourself up over it. Why you pass it off as you being "jealous",

I was in an incredibly unhealthy, psychologically destructive relationship for over 2 years. I let myself be lied to, cheated on, passive aggressively manipulated and lead on. I let my personal progress to better my physical and mental health be sabotaged.

I was THIS CLOSE to letting this life that I write about, and this love that I have found NEVER HAPPEN.

The behavior and excuses and stupidity that I cannot stand, used to be my way of thought, and way of life.

Now, being on the 'not so stupid' side of that and being in a truly healthy, loving relationship not only with myself, but with my partner...It disgusts me how complacent and foolish other women/girls are with their mental stability, heart, and body in relationships.

Why is "being psycho and jealous" so ACCEPTED by us?

Acting like a crazy ass? It's okay! Your BFF feels the same way. "Dude, I'm totally psycho, too!" so you just brush it off. You're justified acting that way. Jealousy is normal. You're just insecure. "I just need to get over it, and then we'll be perfect."

Um, you couldn't be more wrong.

Well, yes, you're wrong and really need to stop torturing yourself and exhausting your precious energy by being a double agent with your boyfriend...However, you're not just "insecure" or "being psycho".

There's a reason behind all of that.

And the fact that you're crying all the time, fighting, and acting like god damn Sidney Bristow and checking your lover's cell phone the minute he steps into the shower should be a RED FUCKING FLAG to you.

RED FLAG. RED FLAG. RED FUCKING FLAG.

That's not normal. That's not healthy.

Look, we all know what I'm talking about. And it's one thing to Google his Ex's name or refer to her as "The Life Sucking Vortex of Death"...It's completely different to be hacking into his Myspace account while he's at working or ripping open his cell phone bill the minute it comes in the mail, comparing dates and times he said he was "at lunch" or at his best friend's house.

Yeah. Again, RED FLAG.

..So....

Basically, I was in a relationship for over 2 years with this guy named, uh, we'll call him Spencer. (Because I hate that name.) I loved him. I had a promise ring. We moved in together after 3 months. He bought me a dog. My family seemed to really like him. We talked about getting married. His friends all loved me.

This is what everything appeared to be like, and these are the reasons I thought we would be together forever and ever.

The reality was...

Spencer had cheated on every single one of his girlfriends, and had a very slutty, concerning past. When we met he still had a girlfriend, and I was his excuse for finally dumping her. He refused to stop talking to her until a year and a half into our relationship. The entire time we were together, he still talked to the girl he had cheated on his ex with, and refused to stop. Flat out REFUSED. Even after I saw a text from him to her that said "Why didn't it work out between us?"

 Never mind all of the other girls that were just "his friends" that he had either gone out with, slept with, or at one point had a crush on.

He never wanted to go out, and lived on the Xbox. I'd sit for hours and hours alone while he'd play games online, or read, or play Halo. He'd secretly text and always make a phone call if I took a nap or went out. He'd check out and stare at waitresses and other women directly in front of me and claim, "What, I'm a guy?!" or "Oh, I thought I knew her from somewhere."

And that brings us to the other problem. Spencer was a sex addict.

That doesn't mean that he had a really high sex drive, liked to have sex a lot, or was just a very sexual person. The BBC gives a pretty good explanation of it: "A sex addict feels compelled to seek out and engage in sexual behaviour, in spite of the problems it may cause in their personal, social and work lives."

In Spencer's case, this manifested in a number of ways, but mainly in his addiction to Internet Pornography.

Before I go any further, I just want to clarify that I'm not writing this to damage Spencer. There are only a few people who may even know who I'm talking about, but, I write this because I hope it might help someone else.

When I went through this, I was very alienated, and very, very alone until I got help for myself....and even then, I didn't tell my therapist for 5 months about this problem that I was dealing with because it was that embarrassing, and that difficult to speak out.

Plus, this is not really talked about.

It's been on Dr.Phil once.

There are many religious websites reaching out to sex addicts, claiming they can help them find Jesus and cleanse them of the "sin and shame".

There are books about sex addicts, that only briefly touch on addiction to Internet porn.

Maybe things have changed in the past couple years....But when I was going through this, I didn't get any support.

So. He was addicted to Internet pornography and refused, and even lied about getting help.

His sexual addiction problems, along with many other problems, were the main reason for his inability to stay faithful to any one of his girlfriends.

His favorite line upon breaking up is always, "You're the only girl I never cheated on."

Oh. Then I guess I must be super special, huh? "Special" enough to believe that crock of shit.

It was also the reason he couldn't cut ties with girls he had inappropriate relationships with, because that would be getting rid of a potential fuck buddy, or sexual escapade, or source of flirtatious banter.

He couldn't help but stare at women because MY GOD. There were tits and ass in his view, so it must be looked at. And it's not just "I'm just looking"...It was "I'm looking, and I'm also wondering what she'd be like in bed."

There is a difference between this, and a healthy, normal way of looking at other women. This alone did not make him a sex addict. Just like occasionally looking at porn can be healthy and normal. But his habits with it were very, very unhealthy and destructive.

At first it didn't bother me. It was fine. He was a guy. Guys do that.

However, I started checking his computer more and more, because I noticed that EVERY time I'd use his computer to check my mail, "hotXXXMILFS" popped up right along side "hotmail.com"....

I started noticing that every time we were apart, even every HOUR we were apart he would be looking at porn.

Even right before I would come over.

So, I told him it made me uncomfortable, especially when our sex life was so, um, quiet.

So he said he'd do it less often.

Less often....

It got to the point where the "less often" would be every single morning, while I was at the grocery store, while I was at work, or WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER.

I FLIPPED OUT the day he didn't have time to come see me at my work before he left for the day, because he had spent 2 hours looking at porn.

I had become a detective. A crazed, obsessed, psycho detective that knew every way to check what he'd been looking at. What time. What he said he was doing.

I told him it needed to stop....And it seemed to....But mostly because I stopped checking.

But then I found out he'd just been using Netscape instead of Internet Explorer for the past 3 months.

I would cancel plans with friends just so I could be home by the time he was home. I would leave my mom's house to be there the minute he walked in the door. I would lie to switch my work schedule around just so I could be home, babysitting, making sure he didn't "fuck up" and look at porn. If we did have to be apart, I couldn't think about anything else. I'd text him just to make sure he wasn't too preoccupied to text me back. The panic and anxiety I felt leaving him home by himself was crippling.

Who was he talking to? What was he doing? Was he looking at porn? Wacking off? Talking to his ex? Is he even really at home???

I tried being patient. I tried not getting mad at him. I tried yelling at him. I tried sobbing. I tried not looking...But....

I was always the bad guy. I was always a "snoop" or he felt like he was "being spied on in my own home".

And he was. But I wasn't wrong.

I was wrong for staying and making everything be okay at all costs just so I could still be with him...

But HE was WRONG.

Add on top of this disturbing addiction everything I had mentioned above....Me constantly checking his cell phone to find messages from his ex girlfriends and ex mistresses..."I miss you" or "How are you Sweetheart?"...Add on top of that we didn't have a sex life...Add on top of that I felt ugly, and fat, and insecure, and insane, and jealous, and CRAZY because it would always, ALWAYS make me out to the be the snoopy, insecure, jealous girlfriend who was feeling the way I did for NO REASON.

"WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME??'

Every. Single. Day. I would throw myself into a whirlwind of guilt, and depression, and self doubt, and shame...And then try to pick myself back up again and be a loving, forgiving, proper girlfriend.

By this time my depression (that I didn't really know I suffered from) had caused me to call a therapist. I had never been to therapy, but knew that I needed help.

 I felt empty. I felt insane, because of Spencer's passive aggressive manipulation, addiction, and lies.

At this time, I didn't know about sexual addiction. I didn't know all I do now, about psychology and my depression, and or even about myself.

After about 5 months of therapy, I opened up and explained how my relationship was REALLY. The porn, the texts, the confusion, and the blame....

I didn't want to tell my therapist for so long, because I knew she would "make me" break up with him....

I already knew it. I already knew, deep down, that it would never work. And that I wasn't wrong or crazy...

But god I wanted to get married. I wanted to live happily ever after with our dog. I just wanted him to love me back.
I wanted him to love me enough to stop talking to those girls. Love me enough to stop with the porn, and find me attractive enough to sleep with.

Love me. Make me worthy of your love. Why am I not good enough for that?

....And for the whole 2 years that we were together that I had it completely wrong.

He wasn't worthy enough for my love.

I confronted him one night, and said that if he had a problem. He was addicted to porn. And if he didn't get help.

That I would leave.

Amazingly, he said that he would go. He would go to therapy to get help.

I was relieved, and was so pleased that everything could be perfect, now. I was so surprised that he had agreed, and so easily understood that he needed to get help.

He even put the books on sexual addiction in his car, and said that he would read them on his lunch breaks.

The next day he made an appointment, and said that he had found a male doctor that would see him, and talk to him about it.

He went to the appointment one day while I was at work.

He went to his next appointment "on his way to work".

He said the doctor was really nice, and that they talked about his mom's control issues and that his therapist was going on vacation for three weeks and couldn't see him again until he got back.

After three weeks, Spencer didn't think he needed to go back because he got "control" of everything.

It never occurred to me that he was lying. Or that I never knew the name of his doctor. Or where the office was. Or what time his appointments were..

During the next 4 months of my own therapy, I had learned how blind I had been. How self destructive, and horrible I had been to MYSELF.

It got to the point where I realized that Spencer "not being able to keep the dog in the bedroom" long enough for her to leave me alone while I was in the living room trying to do yoga (as part of de-stressing and lifting my depression) wasn't just him being lazy. It was just one of the many ways he tried to subconsciously sabotage me getting better.

Because all the while I was going to the gym to heighten my endorphins and feel better about my body, and started to feel less depressed...I started to question him.

I was getting better....And me getting better, meant that I could see beyond his bullshit.

Cate not sick, meant Cate no longer ignoring the fact that your texting your "friend from work" while we're "on a date".

I realized I couldn't have the person who was supposed to "love me for the rest of my life" refuse to STOP talking to his ex mistress. Or make me feel horrible and disgusting for being upset that he had one of his ex girlfriend's bras hidden in our closet.

Realizing all of the lies and sabotage is very shocking. Once you SEE and SMELL and WAKE UP from the dozy, dramatic coma that is an unhealthy relationship...you realize and can see just how ugly everything really was.

For example, I never went out with my friends. So, one night, right before our 2 year anniversary I went out to one of my friend's barbecues. I brought Starbucks ice cream and got all dolled up for a night with the girls.

Then, 2 hours into the BBQ I check my phone, and I have 10 missed calls from Spencer.

He was at the pet hospital with Bug, because she "somehow got into something" and mysteriously wouldn't stop throwing up.

Now, in retrospect, I wonder what the fuck must have happened to my poor, 12 week old puppy to have let her get so sick she had to be taken to the pet hospital and be pumped with liquids just so she didn't get dehydrated.

I hate to think the worst. I hate to think he was "preoccupied" and let her get into something....or that she was allowed to get into something so that I would have to come home....

Spencer had an awful childhood, and troubled adolescence. He had demons that were larger than mine.

And the worst part, is that he didn't even acknowledge it.

He picked his fear of therapy and getting better, over me.

I screamed and sobbed and yelled until I was so exhausted I couldn't yell any more for a week straight.

I would plead, "Don't you realize that I will walk out of here? That I will take our dog and leave? That you will LOSE ME if you do not suck it up and go get some help for yourself???"

He said he was was too scared. He wasn't ready to get better.

The choices were to either stay with him, and be his therapist, and deal with his bullshit...Or leave.

And so, one afternoon, after having my first panic attack in my therapist's office, I came home and said that I was leaving...

The first thing out of his mouth was, "You mean I have to be alone?"

...Which pretty much summed up why he was with me, I guess. It was better than being alone.

But, it turned out he wasn't exactly alone. He had already started a relationship with a woman 11 years older than him. A woman he worked with. A woman I had met, and was always so nice to me. A woman I was, strangely, always suspicious of.

"...You're really the only girl I've never cheated on."

Sure.

...So.

While I have aquired quite a bit of knowledge in the psychological, emotional, and relationship departments through a slightly more unique way than most...The point is, that I have been there.

That is why these red flags seem so much more obvious to me.

That is why I am so enraged by these "stupid girls" and even girls I know that come to me and ask for relationship advice, and then don't even fucking listen to me.

It's so difficult for me to be a good listener, and not preach at both men and women who talk to me about their troubled relationships, yet don't want to hear the honest truth.

I just wish women would dig deeper, and examine WHY they're checking their boyfriend's phone/Myspace/email, and not be so afraid of breaking up and WAKING UP.

I don't hate these GVs, and women, friends,and men who are still blinded to the truths of unhealthy relationships, as that would make me no better than preachy, judgemental "Christians" who hate simply because they know that they're "right" and you're "wrong".

I just feel for them. I feel for myself when I think of all of the rage, and misery I put myself through almost 3 years ago.

This is a huge part of why I care so much about "women's issues" and topics about women in relationships.

I've been in relationship hell. I've been emotionally abused.

And I've gotten out. And grown. And blossomed.

I'm not a therapist. I'm not "Dear Abby".

I've just lived it
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