'Royal Maids': Wiping the streets clean of pedestrians!

 

Last time I checked, Pedestrians had the right of way, non?

So, I'm walking down the street, heading into to town to meet my beloved for lunch.

 (Or as his coworkers like to think 'a midday conjugal visit'.)

Now, I was brought up on Sesame Street and Mr. Rodgers, and in both of these programs they teach you to,

"Stop! Look! And listen!" and to "Look both ways!" before crossing the street....

And after 20+ years of walking, I've got this concept down pretty well.

 In fact, I would go as far to say a bloody fucking expert. (Please don't read that last part literally. Ew.)

So, since I am a Street Crossing Expert, I did my little routine of craning my neck around both ways to be sure that I won't be pummeled to death by a raging Mini Cooper.

To my right....Nothin'.

To my left.....Nada.

So, I decide it's "safe" to cross, so I attempt to walk my happy ass from one side to other.

Then. Out of fucking nowhere, this "smurf-shit-blue" car comes flying around the corner and directly at me.

So I stop dead in my tracks, because, well, I'd rather not go out that way.

In any normal situation, the driver slows the car down to a stop, knows that they're in the wrong, put up the "I'm sorry for being an Idiot" hand, and let the pedestrian continue walking the 6 feet they have to go until they reach the safety of the sidewalk.

But that's what intelligent people do in this situation.

This bitch stops, looks at me, and despite me taking a few steps forward because I stupidly assumed she would let me have THE RIGHT OF WAY that is rightfully mine, she puts the petal to the fuckin' metal while I am IN FRONT of her vehicle.

 

Then she slams on her brakes and I look at her like  what the fuck you lunatic??

I quickly scrambled to the sidewalk and looked back at her.

It was then I noticed she was in a "Royal Maids Cleaning Service" car.

She had her window rolled down, was giving me the "Angry Jazz Hands",  and this scowl that says, 'You fucking bitch, get the fuck out of my way!" all over it.

So, I toss my hands up, give her the finger, and right into her window yell:

"OH! FUCK you! I'm FUCKING WALKING HERE!" in a Brooklyn accent.

In. A. Brooklyn. Accent.

I've never even been to New York.

Since when has that been my natural reaction to situations like that?

To flip people off, and yell obscenities in different accents?

When did this happen??!?

But I'm not gonna lie and say that I don't like it....

On a healthier, and less rage filled note...

Remember when your mom force fed you spinach, and convinced you that, "One more bite isn't gonna kill you!"

Well, Mama liiiiiiied.