Law and Order: Idiotic, Paranoid Victim's Unit.

 

Once upon a time, I watched WAY too much television.

I was a big fan of Ms.Oprah Winfrey....Especially the "Real Life Horror!" shows, where some 15 year old girl gets kidnapped and lives to tell the story how she escaped.

I'd even write down the tips they'd give.

("Throw your kidnapper's car keys in a bush, then RUN!")

 I've watched Rescue 911, America's Most Wanted, CSI, Law and Order: Criminal Intent and SVU. BoomTown, Alias, and The 6'clock News.

I read the "My Boyfriend Tried to Kill Me!" true life stories in Cosmopolitan and Glamor....

And when I'm walking in a dark parking lot, I even have my keys positioned in a prime stabbing position, just in case.

Self Defense? Check. Carry around Pepper Spray? Check. Saved and Forwarded "What Rapists Look For!" emails? CHECK! CHECK!

Seriously, I'm not a paranoid psychotic or anything. Just, very aware of my surroundings.

(aka: Making descriptions of everyone around me, just in case I end up being a key witness in a murder trial.)

I'm not ashamed of this because, well, I'm alive aren't I?

However, after today's events, I'm starting to think that I perhaps need to

A) Chill the fuck out.

B) Start drinking heavily. (er...CHECK!)

At Noon today someone buzzed the apartment,

"Hello?"

"Hiya...O'm from <Inaudible British Mumbo Jumbo that I couldn't understand>"

"What? Who?"

"O'm from ah <No idea what the hell he's saying>"

"WHO?"

"GAS METER!"

"Oh.."'

So I buzzed him up. The flat downstairs is for sale, I figured he had to fix something with their gas.

Then there's a knock at the door.

I panicked. I had no idea what he wanted. Who is he? What does he want? What is he here for? Why me?

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK....KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK....

"HELLO? Miss? HELLO?"

I froze. What if he was a serial killer? Murderer? Rapist? Assassin disguised as a Gas Meter Repair Man!

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK...KNOCK KNOCK

"HELLLLLO????...<Siigh>...HELLO!!!"

I didn't' know what to do? So I opened the door.

(No makeup. Bad hair. Bad breath...yeah, it's noon. What? I'm unemployed!)

"OH! Sorry. I, uh, I thought the knocking was for next door..."

"Right. I need to change the gas meter? You should have got a letter."

 He's standing there in dirty, beat-up work clothes, but he has equipment with him.

Could still be a ploy...

"So you say. I didn't' get this letter supposed letter." I crossed my arms over my chest.

I can see right through you, you rapist!!!

"That's weird. You should have got a letter. .We're changing all the one's in this neighborhood. Safety issues."

He then shows me paper work, it looks legitimate, and then I notice the company's name: National Grid Reading.

The same company that sent us that UNOPENED letter that's sitting just barely of his line of sight.

"Oh. Right... Ok. Um. Come on in. I'll, uh, go look for that letter you sent...."

I rushed up the stairs trying to hide the letter, which I'm more than positive he saw.

He starts looking around the apartment for this apparent "gas meter" and I quickly slid my cell phone in my pocket (which I'm sure he saw as well.)

I watched him like a hawk. He swiftly walked past me to go into the kitchen.

You bastard. I have my eye on you. One false move and I'll fucking cut your throat. 'Gas Meter' my ass.

"Do you know if it's upstairs, or down in the basement?"

I spot a knife on the counter, and there's a frying pan on the stove still. Perfect!

"Erm, probably downstairs. I've never seen it, so I'm guessing it's down stairs."

"Okay, I'll go check it. Thanks."

Then he leaves, goes downstairs for about 10 minutes, comes back and says,

"Okay. All done. It was down in the basement. Thanks!"

And leaves.

No kidnapping, no rape, no murder.

Yeah sure I panicked and was a smidge more dramatic than I needed to..

But at least I didn't squish myself between the radiator and the couch like the cat did.

My nerves are shot though, looks like it's Vodka and Coke for lunch a bubble bath and positive thoughts for me!